101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged: The Conversations Love Needs Before Marriage

In Episode 3 of Three Cords, David and Korina dive into 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged by H. Norman Wright, exploring the honest conversations that help couples better understand each other before and within marriage.

There are things we can know about someone after years of dating.

Their favorite restaurant.

How they take their coffee.

What makes them laugh.

What annoys them.

What they like to watch.

Where they want to travel.

And then there are things we can be deeply in love with someone and somehow never ask.

How do you want me to care for you when you are sick?

What part of yourself is hardest for you to give in a relationship?

What habits are you proud of?

What habits do you wish you could change?

What does your version of a great marriage actually look like?

How comfortable are you with conflict?

Those questions feel different.

They move us beyond knowing facts about the person we love and toward understanding how that person experiences life, relationships, and eventually marriage.

That is what stood out to us as we studied H. Norman Wright's 101 Questions to Ask Before You Get Engaged for Episode 3 of Three Cords.

The premise is simple.

The best relationships are built on intentional conversations before they are tested by real life.

And as we worked through some of Wright's questions together, we realized that even after marriage, there are still things we can learn about the person sitting right beside us.

Sometimes the Best Question Is the One We Have Been Avoiding

One of the first questions we explored was deceptively simple:

What are the questions about me you have always wanted to ask but never have?

That question immediately changes the atmosphere.

Most couples probably have things they have wondered about but never found the right moment to ask.

Sometimes we are afraid of the answer.

Sometimes we do not want to make the conversation uncomfortable.

Sometimes we assume we already know.

And sometimes the relationship simply keeps moving.

Life gets busy.

The question stays unasked.

But curiosity is one of the ways we keep learning each other.

In our conversation, some of those questions touched subjects as serious as fidelity, family, weddings, and the parts of ourselves that are hardest for the other person to understand.

They are not necessarily comfortable questions.

That is partly the point.

We think strong relationships need enough safety for both people to ask what they are really wondering.

Not as an interrogation.

Not as an accusation.

As an invitation.

Tell me something I do not understand yet.

There is something powerful about giving the person you love permission to ask.

Habits Tell Us More Than We Think

Another question asked us to identify five habits we are glad we have and five we wish we did not.

That might sound like a personality exercise.

It turned into something much more revealing.

For David, some of the positive habits included taking initiative, thinking before acting, trying to listen with empathy, being kind, and encouraging the people around him.

But there were also habits he wanted to work on, including procrastination, people pleasing, not always responding to people, and sometimes overestimating charm or influence.

Korina identified habits like focusing on health, being financially literate, keeping her environment clean, and intentionally maintaining friendships.

She also named areas she wanted to improve, including being critical, overthinking, gossiping, cussing, and not always responding to messages.

What interested us was not the lists themselves.

It was what the lists revealed.

Our habits eventually become part of our relationship.

The habits we bring into marriage do not stay individually ours.

Being organized affects someone else.

Procrastinating affects someone else.

Being financially disciplined affects someone else.

Avoiding difficult conversations affects someone else.

Being generous affects someone else.

The things we repeatedly do become part of the environment our spouse lives inside.

That led us to a better question:

Which of my habits make our relationship healthier, and which ones make loving me more difficult?

That requires a level of self awareness that relationships continually ask us to develop.

Loving Someone Means Learning How They Want to Be Loved

One of the simplest questions in the episode produced one of the clearest examples of how differently two people can experience care.

When you are sick, how do you want other people to respond to you?

David's answer was essentially: give me space.

He tends to want to be alone. He can be particular when he is sick and does not necessarily want someone hovering over him.

Korina's answer was almost the opposite.

She appreciates attentive care.

Check in.

Make sure she eats.

Let her rest without judgment.

Pray for her.

Show up.

Neither answer is wrong.

But imagine never having that conversation.

One person might believe love means constantly checking on their spouse.

The other might experience those check ins as overwhelming.

One person might believe giving space is respectful.

The other might interpret that space as indifference.

Both people can be trying to love each other and still completely miss.

That is one of the biggest lessons we took from this question.

Good intentions do not automatically create the experience of being loved.

Sometimes we have to ask.

What does care look like to you?

What do you need from me in this moment?

Do you want help, attention, prayer, food, conversation, or space?

We cannot always love someone according to what would make us feel loved.

We have to learn them.

Marriage Does Not Require Us to Become the Same Person

Another question asked us to look at the activities we enjoy and identify the things we honestly would not enjoy doing together.

We actually liked this question because relationships can create an unspoken expectation that a great couple should want to do everything together.

We do not think that is realistic.

David enjoys things like sports, social games, discovering new music, long drives, concerts, volunteering, dancing, and creating art. Video games can easily be something he enjoys on his own.

Korina enjoys reading, working out, meditation, baths, trying new restaurants, going to Barnes and Noble, and concerts. Musicals and reality television can easily exist without David.

Some interests overlap.

Some do not.

And that is okay.

We think marriage should create shared experiences without erasing individuality.

There should be things we love doing together.

There can also be things that belong to each of us.

Marriage is unity.

It does not require sameness.

In fact, part of loving another person may be giving them the freedom to remain fully themselves.

What Does Your Perfect Marriage Actually Look Like?

This may have been one of our favorite questions:

What is your dream or fantasy of a perfect marriage?

Because every person enters marriage carrying a picture.

We may never have written it down.

We may never have said it out loud.

But somewhere in our minds is an image of how marriage is supposed to feel.

David's picture includes travel, laughter, adventure, meaningful work, influential experiences, a beautiful home, personal spaces within that home, great food, fun, and raising incredible children.

Korina's picture includes laughter, long conversations in bed or on the couch, peace centered in Christ, great dinners, date nights, affection, honesty, commitment, teamwork, a beautiful home, financial alignment, regular vacations, the freedom to pursue individual interests, and even being able to experience conflict with love.

There is a lot of overlap.

But there are also details that matter.

And that is why we think couples should talk about their vision of marriage before assuming they share the same one.

What does a peaceful home mean to you?

How often do you imagine traveling?

How much time should we spend together?

How much time apart?

What role does affection play?

What does financial alignment mean?

What does faith look like inside the home?

What does a successful marriage feel like on an ordinary Tuesday?

Those conversations turn vague expectations into something visible.

And once expectations become visible, we can actually talk about them.

Conflict Is Inevitable. The Question Is What We Do With It

We also asked ourselves to rate how comfortable we are with confrontation and conflict.

David rated himself an eight.

Korina initially said ten, then reconsidered and landed closer to nine.

Neither one of us sees conflict as something that can simply be removed from marriage.

That does not mean every disagreement needs to become an argument.

It means two distinct people are eventually going to disagree.

Different backgrounds.

Different preferences.

Different ways of processing emotions.

Different expectations.

Conflict is not necessarily evidence that something is wrong.

Sometimes it is evidence that two real people are being honest.

The more important question is:

Can we disagree without treating each other like enemies?

Can we listen?

Can we slow down?

Can we admit when we are wrong?

Can we address an issue without attacking the person?

Can we repair after the conversation?

Can we keep love present even when agreement is not?

One of Korina's descriptions of her ideal marriage actually included the idea of conflict with love.

We think there is something important in that.

A great marriage is probably not one where disagreement disappears.

It may be one where disagreement no longer threatens the relationship.

Love Also Costs Us Something

Another question forced us to think about sacrifice.

In a relationship, what part of giving yourself do you struggle with?

David's answer was time.

Korina's answer was money and time, especially because she places a high value on her time.

That question gets close to something marriage eventually teaches all of us.

Love requires giving.

Sometimes that means time.

Sometimes convenience.

Sometimes money.

Sometimes attention.

Sometimes changing plans.

Sometimes putting another person's needs beside our own.

But there is an important distinction between healthy compromise and losing ourselves completely.

The goal is not to erase one person for the sake of the other.

It is to learn how two people can make room for each other.

That requires boundaries.

Generosity.

Communication.

And sometimes sacrifice.

The question becomes:

What am I willing to give for us, and what do we need to protect so that both of us can remain healthy inside this relationship?

That conversation should not wait until resentment forces it to happen.

The Point Is Not to Get the Right Answer

The more questions we worked through, the more we realized that the value of this book is not really the number 101.

The questions are tools.

Their job is to create conversations.

You do not need to answer every question in one night.

You do not need identical answers.

You do not need to turn dating into an interview.

And you certainly do not need to discover that you and your partner agree about everything.

The goal is understanding.

We want to know the person we are choosing.

And if we are already married, we want to keep knowing them.

Because people change.

Experiences change us.

Marriage changes us.

Faith changes us.

Life gives us new answers to questions we thought we had already settled.

That is why we think these conversations still matter after the wedding.

Curiosity should not end when commitment begins.

Ask One Question This Week

Our challenge at the end of this episode is intentionally simple.

Choose one question.

Ask your spouse, fiancé, or significant other.

Then leave enough room for them to answer honestly.

Maybe ask what their ideal marriage looks like.

Maybe ask what they need when they are sick.

Maybe ask which habit they wish they could change.

Maybe ask what they find difficult about conflict.

Or maybe ask the hardest question of all:

What is something you have always wanted to ask me but never have?

Then listen.

Do not rush to explain yourself.

Do not prepare your response while they are talking.

Get curious.

Because one of the things we are continuing to learn in our own marriage is that knowing someone deeply does not mean there is nothing left to discover.

We still have questions to ask.

We still have answers to hear.

We still have things to learn about ourselves and each other.

And maybe that is part of what intentional love looks like.

Not assuming we already know.

Choosing to keep asking.

Choosing to keep listening.

Choosing to keep learning the person we love.

This is Three Cords. We study the books, experts, and research on love, then bring what we learn into conversation with our faith and our marriage.